I am a Fat, Stupid, Mom Jeans Wearing, Little Douchebag Baby Bitch! But Enough About My Best Qualities, Let’s Talk About My Unquenchable Thirst For Little Boy Balls!!!

Seriously. Just look at what a fucking douchebag I am! What kind of fat stupid bitch puts on a pair of Dollar General track pants and does some gay ass pose down in front of his fucking 1983 Chevy Cavalier.

My Prison Doctor Says Fucking Little Boys Doesn’t Make Me Gay!! SO THERE!!!

Fine. You got me. It’s not MY 1983 Chevy Cavalier. I just thought it was COOL OK?! I’ve been saving up the change from my grocery bagging job and in 12 short years I’ll have my own Cavalier! Who’ll have the last laugh then?! Huh?! That’s right!! Good old John Stone, THAT’S WHO!!

Check Out My Sweet Mom Jeans and Gross Sweaty Man Tits!!!

Well I’d love to stay and pose with my hairy tits and furry back fat but I have to go blow any guy Emperor Trump tells me to!!! I love gallons and gallons of delicious man goo sliding down my fat triple chinned throat!!! Here comes my hero now!!!

Oh my God he’s so hot, I think I just came! Anyway, those little boys aren’t going to jump into inside my windowless Free Candy Van and ass rape themselves!!!!!! Byeeeeeeeeee!!!!

All Aboard the Fucking Douchebag-Mobile!!!!

Local Gay Homosexual Seeks Forty or Fifty Well Hung Men to Fuck His Stupid Face While Pulling on His Fucking Gay as Shit Little Girl Earrings

Hiiiiiiii BOYS!!! I’m Marc with a gay ass ‘C’!!! But you can call me ‘Nut Goblin’!!  Do YOU love BALLS??? I DOOOOOOO!!!! I love huge cocks and balls in and around my mouth!!! I also love Trump and ‘Murica and generally being an all around stupid fucking cunt!!

But there’s nothing I love more than getting a giant mouthful of schlong and having the guy grab onto my faggoty bitch handle earrings and face fuck me until I’m blue! You see like most Jets fans I’m a huge penis aficionado. I suppose my lifelong fascination with dick started when I realized I had a tiny, tiny micro penis!

I was at Starbucks getting my Half Caf All Jizz Latte and I told the cute Barista Boy that my name was ‘Marc with a C!’ and he wrote ‘Cark!’ on my cup! Oh my GAWD, I LOVE it!!! It’s so close to ‘Cock’! And I LOVE COCK!!!!

I also love Donald Trump! He’s just like me, except successful! He is a stupid loud mouth cunt with a micro dick. He’s also a bald dick bag like me but he can afford to have a badger live on his head full time!

I am the ‘Head Plumber’! I’m not in charge, I just got the name from gobbling A LOT of plumber sausage! I decided to be a plumber when I saw the pipes! I knew then and there that if I could spend the rest of my life working all day with something dick shaped then I would be happy! It was between that and making penis shaped fireworks but I leaned toward plumbing because practicing my oral skills on a pipe isn’t deadly!  Not to mention plumbing has poop! I am huge poop fanatic! There’s nothing quite as awesome as heading down to Wilton Manors and letting some random take a huge steaming dump on my chest!!! Aoooggaa!!!

Speaking of steaming piles of shit, check out my new Trump hat!

Well I gotta go, those poopy toilets aren’t going to unclog themselves, my mouth is! And now a special message from the Precedent!! Doooiiiyyyy!!!

Local Totally Gay Homosexual Loves Both Cock AND Balls, but Mostly Balls.

Hiiiiiiii BOYS!!! I’m Daaaaaaaave!!! But you can call me ‘Nut Goblin’!!   Do YOU love BALLS??? I DOOOOOOO!!!! I love huge balls in and around my mouth!

Area Religious Loser Fucking Cunt Has Stupid Cum Catcher Beard For Catching Cum Because He Just Can’t Get Enough Cum

“Uh! Uh! Uh! Aaaaaaaggghhhh!!!” ~ Boyfriend Of Area Fucking Cunt While Blowing Copious Loads into the Chin Cum Catcher

“Look, I need this  cum catcher beard to catch all the cum I can get!” said the stupid fucking cunt. I don’t have a lot of time because my church makes us all fuck at least 8 little boys a week! I’m always Church Idiot Believer of the Month because no little boy is safe when I’m around!

Area Trump Dipshit Smurtis Schmesly* Loves Him Some ‘Murica! And Fucking Little Kids. But Mostly Fucking Little Kids!

*Names changed to protect a redneck fucking cunt

I know what yer thinkin! That is one stupid fucking cunt! By the way, this is the last thing a little boy sees before he goes in my trunk! Yee haa!

Hey everyone! My name is Smurtis Schmesly and I am a stupid redneck fucking cunt! I just wanted to come out of the closet and say that not only do I LOVE man ass but i REALLY LOVE little boy ass!! Woohoo! C’mere you, get them clothes off boy!

Mmmmm mmmm mmm! If you think he’s squinting because he’s retarded you’d be right! But he’s also trying to see my tiny redneck pin dick!

Boy I’ll tell you what! I sure am a stupid motherfucker! When I’m not eating paint chips I’m eating giant cocks! And when I’m not pumping little boys full of spooge, I’m wrapping this piece of shit Chihuahua in duct tape and goin to town! Hoo wee!

Someone please help me! This fat back woods country fuck won’t stop fucking me! Luckily his penis is so small even I can hardly feel it, but it’s still humiliating!

Uh! Uh! Uh! Aaaaaaaggghhhh!!!

Meet Erik Leon Wright! He Enjoys Mowing Lawns, Asking Girls He Doesn’t Know if He Can Show Them His Tiny Pin Dick, and Beating the Shit Out of Pregnant Women! What a Douchebag Milkshake!

Hey ladies! Would you like a guy that will beat the living shit out of you like a true gentleman? Well strap in, because here comes No Dick Mcgee!

 

Nice tattoo Mary!

 

Hello Ladies! Meet part time woman beater and full time fucking asshole, super duper dream boat Erik Leon Wright! Feel free to peruse his various charges below including everything from illegal weapons possession to laying a good old fashioned beat down on defenseless women. Pregnant women.

He looks nothing like the stupid douche bag you would imagine! Oh. Wait. Never mind.

Enjoy.

PS. Erik, you and your tiny, tiny dick and balls can fuck right off you little bitch! Haha!!!

 

Here are some of the things that Erik likes to send to women he’s never met! Things like ‘Can I show you my tiny dick and balls?’ and ‘Have you ever been with a roided out loser with pansy pussy tattoos and a micro-penis?’

 

Um, no pencil cock, we don’t want to see it lol

 

Area Trump Dipshit Loves Him Some ‘Murica! And Boning Little Kids. But Mostly ‘Little Kids!

Now listen here you liberal butt heads! I love me some ‘Murica! The land where a stupid, bald loser with a pussy ass single engine piece of shit can get some little boy ass! Woooo!! Hopefully I’ll have the opportunity to get some hot little boy action goin on! er… never mind! Woooo!

Look, writin aint my favoritest thing but it seems I got some time on my hands seein as I been locked up in a jail cell that the commie police threw me in. I thought this was ‘Murica! Apparently it’s now ‘illegal’ to kidnap the next door neighbor’s 8 year old kid and play oiled up naked twister with him in my Cessna Shitbucket 3000. Thanks Obama!

Point! Counterpoint! I’m a Squinty Eyed Little Bitch! vs. I’m a Giant Foreheaded Fuck Bag!

I’m a Squinty Eyed Little Bitch!

Andy ‘Takes it in the’ Enderson* – Squinty Eyed Little Bitch

Listen idiots, I am one Squinty Eyed Little Bitch! When I’m not crying my squinty little eyes out about Esquire articles and how unfair they are to my hero Cheeto Hitler, you can be sure to find me crying like a little bitch about how there aren’t enough articles about socks!

God I’m Such a Stupid Squinty Eyed Cunt 

When I’m not making man on man Mormon porn (which honestly is not much of the time lol!) you can be sure to find me jerking off into a Trump t-shirt with some pissed off eagle on it or something because ‘Murica!! Gotta go, Jebus just told me to change my religion listed on Facebook to ‘On My Knees to Please’ Yes Jebus! I’m ‘Coming’!

I’m a Giant Foreheaded Fuck Bag!

Please Donate to the GiantForeheadFuckbagitis Foundation!

Living with a stupid giant forehead isn’t easy you know. Sure it’s great for catching loads and loads of Mormon man goo in my many many films making it way easier to scrape off and gobble down, but it was not an easy childhood! Growing up with my family of 28 kids along with my dad and his 8 wives I dreaded dad yelling out those accursed words: Movie Night! he would yell and that would be the cue for whoever was closest to me to secure me against the nearest tree so that they could screen some horseshit about Joseph Smith on my huge forehead. That’s how I got to be such a squinty little bitch!

Thanks E-Harmony Giant Forehead Division!

Luckily I found out about E-Harmony’s Giant Forehead section so I could finally meet another giant foreheaded idiot and start pumping out giant foreheaded idiot kids! I’d love to stay and chat some more but this huge forehead isn’t going to jizz all over itself! Byyyyyeeeeeeeee!

*Names changed to protect giant foreheaded squinty eyed little cunts

Area Dipshit Loves Him Some ‘Murica! And Boning Little Kids. But Mostly ‘Murica!

Now listen here you liberal butt heads! I love me some ‘Murica! The land where a fat, stupid, hairy loser with DD cup man tits has opportunity. Hopefully the opportunity to get some hot lady boy action goin on! er… never mind! C’mon ladies, I ain’t squeezin these hairy fun bags together for nuthin! You know yer just achin to get these $6 mom jeans off me and get all up in my whopping one inch fun palace! Woooo!

Look, writin aint my favoritest thing but it seems I got some time on my hands seein as I been locked up in a jail cell that the commie police threw me in. I thought this was ‘Murica! Apparently it’s now ‘illegal’ to kidnap the next door neighbor’s 8 year old kid and play oiled up naked twister with him in my basement dungeon. Thanks Obama!

Looks like in the future I’ll have to keep my ‘fun’ to the Candy Van he he. Although those commie bastard POlice did seem pretty interested in it when they hauled me away. Using their big book learnin words like ‘DMA testing’ whatever the hell that is, and ‘get the camaver dogs’. I aint never heard of no ‘camaver dogs’. Say, do they like peanut butter?!

I just met with the free lawyer. He was wearing last years mom jeans! What a loser! Anyway he said he might be able to get me off so I took out my tiny, mangled penis and he freaked and ran out screaming. He came back 10 minutes later saying something about the nightmares and never being the same. Anyway he said cus I’m ‘half fucktarded’ they might send me to a hospital instead of jail! I sure hope he’s right because I’ve been hoping they can chop off my head and sew it to my hip so I can blow myself all day! I even made a picture for the surgeons to help them!

 I showed it to my lawyer and he said that it was pathetically exaggerated, and that they would actually have to sew my head directly to my crotch face first or my dick would never reach! Oh well, it looks like the men are here to take me away, I sure hope they have camaver dogs and peanut butter!

Area Shirtless Man Love Enthusiast Disgusting From Both Front and Back

Ston Jone* – Fat Hairy Jackwagon

Sep 24th, 2014
W. Hughes, New England Dipshit Weekly

This week’s New England Dipshit is this hairy fuckbag here, Mr. Ston Jone* and boy does he look just as stupid from the back as the god damned front. I have no earthly idea why he opened the door for our interview shirtless. I also have no idea why he would ever be shirtless except to scare away children, which from the look of the blood stained clown suit crumpled in the corner, would seem counterproductive to his motives. Clearly alarmed, I inquired about the clown suit. “Ah shit! I forgot to put that back in the van!” he said thumbing in the direction of a windowless van in the driveway, red but for the hastily spray painted words on the side which read FREE CANDY!

TJ Maxx Has The Best Mom Jeans

“Are you a candy salesman?” I asked, praying for an affirmative answer. “What? Oh sure. Salesman. Right!” He punctuated the answer with air quotes and a half retarded wink that made my skin crawl. “Well what do you do?” I inquired. He continued, “Well, I’m incredibly stupid so I mostly live off checks from da government and selling my well worn shit pussy to sweaty hobos!” He pointed to his fat ass through his $14 TJ Maxx mom jeans, “even though I’m fat, hairy and disgusting there’s guys that like my drooping DD man tits covered in pubes! Craigslist is a wonderful thing! I love da interwebs!”

The Dipshit-mobile

Apparently reflecting on sweaty hobo penises or little boys, he closed his eyes and started rubbing himself through the cheap high waisted denim. Horrified and nauseous, I made an excuse about needing another tape from the car despite having a digital recorder. I’d almost made it to the door when I heard him yell, “Oh, Timmy! Yesssssssss!!” [Sorry hobos, score one little boys] I ran for my car, stopping only to projectile vomit.

Dear New England Dipshit weekly, please accept this article as my resignation letter. #thingsucantunsee

*Names have been changed to protect the fat, stupid, inbred and fucktarded.