Pansy ass and renowned raving cock gobbler Roberta ‘Little Bitch’ Wilson announced today his intent to get a giant wooden asshole transplant to stop years of asshole erosion from proceeding. I knock on the door to his disgusting hovel and he answers inexplicably with an upside down hi-hat between his teeth and holding a dildo in his pink gloved appendage. After questioning my life choices and declining to shake hands I remain standing so as not to stick to anything. I ask him why he would consider replacing his asshole with a huge wooden ring.
Wow. No.
He puts the hi-hat down in favor of a pink negligee which he dons before continuing, “I just can’t stop ramming bigger and bigger cocks up my ass!! All this cock ramming has made my asshole bigger and bigger, it’s the size of a truck tire now and I just don’t know where it’s going to stop!!”
At this point in the interview Wilson begins sobbing like a little girl, snot and tears stream from his stupid ugly face, and into his long greasy little girl hair. I look around for something to hit him with while I question my decision to become a journalist.
Finally, I find a newly purchased three foot dildo mercifully still in its wrapper.
Creepy 3 Foot Japanese Dildo
WHACK!!
He grabs a furry mass disturbingly labeled ‘KRYING&KUM BLANKY’, blows his nose, cries some more, and continues, “If my asshole gets any bigger I won’t have time to cry, gobble dick, or jack off all over my Trump trading cards!” Suddenly, Wilson spins around, bends over, and lifts his dress to reveal his cavernous sausage hallway. I immediately vomit.
Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter!
“Don’t pretend it’s not getting you hot! Do you have any idea have many thousands of penises have battered the sides of this thing?! Think of the final battle scene from The Lord of the Rings, then triple it!” I continue to be physically ill, as much from the horrible pun as the imagery just forced upon my already reeling psyche. I stumble toward the door, careening into a 50-gallon drum hastily labeled ‘XTRAA KUM!’ and knocking it over. “Aaaaagghhh!! My breakfast!!” Roberta screamed as I made a final bid for freedom.
Leaving the screaming crying monster in my wake I crawl toward my car while a truck pulls up labeled ‘Giant Wooden Hoop Warehouse’. God speed gentlemen. God speed.
youpeopledonotimpressme 