Sep 24th, 2014
W. Hughes, New England Dipshit Weekly
This week’s New England Dipshit is this hairy fuckbag here, Mr. Ston Jone* and boy does he look just as stupid from the back as the god damned front. I have no earthly idea why he opened the door for our interview shirtless. I also have no idea why he would ever be shirtless except to scare away children, which from the look of the blood stained clown suit crumpled in the corner, would seem counterproductive to his motives. Clearly alarmed, I inquired about the clown suit. “Ah shit! I forgot to put that back in the van!” he said thumbing in the direction of a windowless van in the driveway, red but for the hastily spray painted words on the side which read FREE CANDY!
“Are you a candy salesman?” I asked, praying for an affirmative answer. “What? Oh sure. Salesman. Right!” He punctuated the answer with air quotes and a half retarded wink that made my skin crawl. “Well what do you do?” I inquired. He continued, “Well, I’m incredibly stupid so I mostly live off checks from da government and selling my well worn shit pussy to sweaty hobos!” He pointed to his fat ass through his $14 TJ Maxx mom jeans, “even though I’m fat, hairy and disgusting there’s guys that like my drooping DD man tits covered in pubes! Craigslist is a wonderful thing! I love da interwebs!”
Apparently reflecting on sweaty hobo penises or little boys, he closed his eyes and started rubbing himself through the cheap high waisted denim. Horrified and nauseous, I made an excuse about needing another tape from the car despite having a digital recorder. I’d almost made it to the door when I heard him yell, “Oh, Timmy! Yesssssssss!!” [Sorry hobos, score one little boys] I ran for my car, stopping only to projectile vomit.
Dear New England Dipshit weekly, please accept this article as my resignation letter. #thingsucantunsee
*Names have been changed to protect the fat, stupid, inbred and fucktarded.