Area Shirtless Man Love Enthusiast Disgusting From Both Front and Back

Ston Jone* – Fat Hairy Jackwagon

Sep 24th, 2014
W. Hughes, New England Dipshit Weekly

This week’s New England Dipshit is this hairy fuckbag here, Mr. Ston Jone* and boy does he look just as stupid from the back as the god damned front. I have no earthly idea why he opened the door for our interview shirtless. I also have no idea why he would ever be shirtless except to scare away children, which from the look of the blood stained clown suit crumpled in the corner, would seem counterproductive to his motives. Clearly alarmed, I inquired about the clown suit. “Ah shit! I forgot to put that back in the van!” he said thumbing in the direction of a windowless van in the driveway, red but for the hastily spray painted words on the side which read FREE CANDY!

TJ Maxx Has The Best Mom Jeans

“Are you a candy salesman?” I asked, praying for an affirmative answer. “What? Oh sure. Salesman. Right!” He punctuated the answer with air quotes and a half retarded wink that made my skin crawl. “Well what do you do?” I inquired. He continued, “Well, I’m incredibly stupid so I mostly live off checks from da government and selling my well worn shit pussy to sweaty hobos!” He pointed to his fat ass through his $14 TJ Maxx mom jeans, “even though I’m fat, hairy and disgusting there’s guys that like my drooping DD man tits covered in pubes! Craigslist is a wonderful thing! I love da interwebs!”

The Dipshit-mobile

Apparently reflecting on sweaty hobo penises or little boys, he closed his eyes and started rubbing himself through the cheap high waisted denim. Horrified and nauseous, I made an excuse about needing another tape from the car despite having a digital recorder. I’d almost made it to the door when I heard him yell, “Oh, Timmy! Yesssssssss!!” [Sorry hobos, score one little boys] I ran for my car, stopping only to projectile vomit.

Dear New England Dipshit weekly, please accept this article as my resignation letter. #thingsucantunsee

*Names have been changed to protect the fat, stupid, inbred and fucktarded.

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Point! Counterpoint! Michelle Lopez is a Gummy Mouthed No Chinned Giant Fivehead Cunt! vs. Holy Shit Michelle Lopez Stop Hitting Your Face With That Hot Shovel!

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Disgusting Pig, Michelle Lopez

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Dr. James P. Mcgillicuddy, Plastic Surgeon

Seriously bitch, get some surgery! Where to fucking start… that’s coincidentally exactly what I, your plastic surgeon, said when I first looked at your stupid moon face. What’s with your gums you horse mouthed nag? Every time I look at you I start glancing around for sugar cubes or an apple to jam in your gob. Well, it looks like we’re also going to need a chin implant the size of a rat trap. I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that to make your giant fivehead look half normal we will have to cut a poncho-esque swath of skin from the middle of it and pull the pieces together like a suitcase that won’t quite close. The good news is that we will have enough skin leftover to tan and make you a nice jacket and handbag. Now get that mask over your face you fugly hog!

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William ‘BoBo’ Stiklystapers

*BONG!* Whooooaaaa there missy! Holy shit! Stop hittin’ yerself in the face with that there asphalt covered shovel! My lord, yer face is already a gosh darn bowl of dog vomit without you helpin’ out none! Why look at that there forehead on ye! Stay right there, I’m gonna go get Roscoe and Jeb and we’s gonna show a drive in movie on that bad boy! Hoooooweee! Ya know what, ferget it, the glare off ur retard gums would ruin it for everyone anyhows! *BONG!* I said quit that shovel face poundin ya crazy sow! Is that why ye gots no chin no more? Hey yew kinda look like ma sister! she ain’t no looker neither but I always had the hots for her. C’mere yooooouuuuu!! *BONG!* Holy shit! Yer dentin ma shovel!!

Point! Counterpoint! I Am a Stupid Cum Guzzling Midget Gay Bear Fuck Bag! vs. I Am a Stupid Cum Guzzling Midget Gay Bear Fuck Bag!

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Cuddles the Super Gay Bear

Listen buddy, you better fuck off! There’s only room for one Stupid Cum Guzzling Midget Gay Bear Fuck Bag around here and it’s fucking ME! Look at me asshole! I’m a BEAR. Not some stupid douche nozzle that’s just so fucking disgustingly hairy that people have no choice to make the comparison. While we’re on the subject, what the fuck is up with that anyway?! I have soft shiny beautiful fur! Not the sweaty child molester pubes that cover your giant tits you block headed fucktard! Look I’ll give you a couple things. You are incredibly stupid, and I will eventually be taller than 4’2” so you kind of have me on the midget thing . You are also WAY gayer than me, a gigantic Fuck Bag, and I applaud your legendary gum guzzling skills.  But am I gay? Do I shit in the woods?! Hellz to the Ya!

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Some Hairy Asspumper

Duuhhh, Da man said there was gonna be cum to guzzle so that’s why I’m here! Fuck! Does anyone have a da phone books or da milk carton I can stand on so I can reach your belt buckles? I got a big square shaped head so youz can rest your beers there while I does da licking! The Lord has put me on da Earth to be the biggest jizz slurping fuck bag that I can! I like da Jesus! He is in my dreams at night teaching me to blow real good! He looks a lot like my Dad and says funny things like, “If you tell anyone I’ll bash your stupid blockhead in you retarded douchebag!” before playfully skull fucking me til da blackness comes!

*Names have been changed to protect the fat, stupid, inbred and fucktarded.

Point! Counterpoint! Ole Clyde and I Sure Have Some Good Times! vs. Stop Fucking Me You Crazy Redneck!

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Stupid Redneck Fuck

Charry Boom* – Inbred Fucktard

Boy, I tell you what! Ole Clyde and I sure have some good times! Why he just loves it when I bring home another case of Peter Pan Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter. He knows what’s on the way! The excited whimpering starts almost immediately and he usually gets so excited that he just starts running as fast as he can! When I finally track him down he’s all tuckered out and ready for fun! He especially loves Saturday’s cus that’s Steak Day! Sometimes he starts running on Friday! Decorum prevents me from going into detail regarding Steak Day but I can tell you it involves a telephone, some Tabasco Sauce, and my well traveled anus.

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In happier days

Clyde the Doberman

For the love all that is holy and otherwise, stop fucking me you crazy redneck! Between that asshole’s peanut butter parties and fucking Steak Day, life is not being very kind to ‘Ole Clyde’ these days. You know, he may look like a fat, stupid redneck that no woman would come near with a barge pole, but he can move pretty quickly when he wants him some Clyde! He’s got one brain cell and it’s just my luck that it’s programmed to track my ass. And my mouth. Fuck. If I see one more jar of fucking peanut butter I’m going to lose my shit. I would have already lost it if he didn’t spend half his time pounding Fabio the cat. And don’t even get poor Fabio started on ‘Tuna Day’.

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Me, overcome by shame #fuck

If that fat jackwagon rubs one more ribeye on his nuts and comes at me I’m going to rip them off. I shouldn’t be surprised, this fucking retard is in Minnesota, the state that brought you the wisdom of Michele Bachman. He makes her look like Stephen Hawking. Maybe I’ll go live with her, sure the peanut butter wouldn’t change but at least I wouldn’t have to endure Steak Day. Who the fuck am I kidding, 10:1 that bitch has a strap on. Fuck! #SaveClyde!

*Names have been changed to protect the fat, stupid, inbred and fucktarded.

Area Elephant Baby Addresses Sex Tape Allegations: “So What if I Fuck My Dad?! Aaaaagggghh!! Fuck You!!”

I AM FUCKING ELEPHANT BABY!!

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You pricks! How DARE you judge me! I mean, who among us can say that they haven’t fucked their Dad? And the entire Tottenshit FuckSpurs squad. At the same time. And filmed it. I know I have… what?! Fuck you buddy! What’s WHAT? On my chin?

[rubs ugly fucking face coming up with a handful of jizz]

God damn it Dad! I said not the face! Not the fucking face! God damn it, you listen about as well as I turn down a bag of dicks! FUCK!

I suppose I should address these allegations. First off, yes you can clearly see that it is in fact my father being brutally sodomized by the Tottenshit Fuckspurs, and many of their fans. But we all know that isn’t news to anyone. They’ve been pounding him like yesterday’s beef for years. I don’t even know why they bother anymore, at this point his ass is like a tube of circus peanuts!

As for the baby in the back ground clapping and jerking off three dudes, I admit nothing! There are lots of babies that wear bee keeper masks you fuckers! What? Name two?! Aaaagggghhhh!! Hold that guy!! I’m going to fuck you just like all those guys in that Tottenshit tape!! Aaaaaggghhhh!!

Area Elephant Baby STILL a Fucking Asshole Like His Fucking Ugly Ass Pumping Dad

I AM FUCKING ELEPHANT BABY!!

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Alright you fuckers! Now I’m all pissed off! The Tottenham Hotspurs refused to let my fucking ugly Dad and I fuck them because they said we were too fucking ugly. That of course did not stop them from fucking US and dousing us in hot man goo. I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t love it, but I just can’t believe they made me wear a fucking burka!! At least they got this shot of it before the entire team befouled me with elephant baby batter!! Ok, confession time. This is actually an ‘after’ shot. I ate all the elephant baby batter! How dare you judge me! Oh the calories! I’m so ashamed!

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I’ll let them all violate me again, but I won’t like it! Here is my new favorite facebook page!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Fuck-Tottenham-Hotspur/356577274440026

Ok, maybe I’ll like it a little. After all, I AM my fucking ugly father’s son!!!

Later fuckers!

Area Elephant Baby is Fucking Asshole Like His Fucking Ugly Dad

I AM FUCKING ELEPHANT BABY!!

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Bow down Mortals! I am Elephant Baby and I AM a giant fucking tool like my giant tool Dad! Listen and listen good you fuckers! I don’t have time for this! My Dad is taking me to the new Bath House in town where the Tottenham HotSpurs like to get the old in and out and there is dick to be gobbled, so I just don’t have time for your shit!

Q. What do you  do when your gun has two bullets and you are trapped in a closet with a tiger, a lion, and a Tottenham Spurs fan rabidly trying to swallow your sweaty balls?!

A. Shoot the ball gobbling Tottenham fan! Twice!

Anyone who gets in my extremely gay way will feel the wrath of Laser Eye Elephant Baby!!!! All Hail!!

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