*Names changed to protect a redneck fucking cunt
I know what yer thinkin! That is one stupid fucking cunt! By the way, this is the last thing a little boy sees before he goes in my trunk! Yee haa!
Hey everyone! My name is Smurtis Schmesly and I am a stupid redneck fucking cunt! I just wanted to come out of the closet and say that not only do I LOVE man ass but i REALLY LOVE little boy ass!! Woohoo! C’mere you, get them clothes off boy!
Mmmmm mmmm mmm! If you think he’s squinting because he’s retarded you’d be right! But he’s also trying to see my tiny redneck pin dick!
Boy I’ll tell you what! I sure am a stupid motherfucker! When I’m not eating paint chips I’m eating giant cocks! And when I’m not pumping little boys full of spooge, I’m wrapping this piece of shit Chihuahua in duct tape and goin to town! Hoo wee!
Someone please help me! This fat back woods country fuck won’t stop fucking me! Luckily his penis is so small even I can hardly feel it, but it’s still humiliating!
Uh! Uh! Uh! Aaaaaaaggghhhh!!!
Hey ladies! Would you like a guy that will beat the living shit out of you like a true gentleman? Well strap in, because here comes No Dick Mcgee!
Nice tattoo Mary!
Hello Ladies! Meet part time woman beater and full time fucking asshole, super duper dream boat Erik Leon Wright! Feel free to peruse his various charges below including everything from illegal weapons possession to laying a good old fashioned beat down on defenseless women. Pregnant women.
He looks nothing like the stupid douche bag you would imagine! Oh. Wait. Never mind.
PS. Erik, you and your tiny, tiny dick and balls can fuck right off you little bitch! Haha!!!
Here are some of the things that Erik likes to send to women he’s never met! Things like ‘Can I show you my tiny dick and balls?’ and ‘Have you ever been with a roided out loser with pansy pussy tattoos and a micro-penis?’
Um, no pencil cock, we don’t want to see it lol
Now listen here you liberal butt heads! I love me some ‘Murica! The land where a stupid, bald loser with a pussy ass single engine piece of shit can get some little boy ass! Woooo!! Hopefully I’ll have the opportunity to get some hot little boy action goin on! er… never mind! Woooo!
Look, writin aint my favoritest thing but it seems I got some time on my hands seein as I been locked up in a jail cell that the commie police threw me in. I thought this was ‘Murica! Apparently it’s now ‘illegal’ to kidnap the next door neighbor’s 8 year old kid and play oiled up naked twister with him in my Cessna Shitbucket 3000. Thanks Obama!
I’m a Squinty Eyed Little Bitch!
Andy ‘Takes it in the’ Enderson* – Squinty Eyed Little Bitch
Listen idiots, I am one Squinty Eyed Little Bitch! When I’m not crying my squinty little eyes out about Esquire articles and how unfair they are to my hero Cheeto Hitler, you can be sure to find me crying like a little bitch about how there aren’t enough articles about socks!
God I’m Such a Stupid Squinty Eyed Cunt
When I’m not making man on man Mormon porn (which honestly is not much of the time lol!) you can be sure to find me jerking off into a Trump t-shirt with some pissed off eagle on it or something because ‘Murica!! Gotta go, Jebus just told me to change my religion listed on Facebook to ‘On My Knees to Please’ Yes Jebus! I’m ‘Coming’!
I’m a Giant Foreheaded Fuck Bag!
Please Donate to the GiantForeheadFuckbagitis Foundation!
Living with a stupid giant forehead isn’t easy you know. Sure it’s great for catching loads and loads of Mormon man goo in my many many films making it way easier to scrape off and gobble down, but it was not an easy childhood! Growing up with my family of 28 kids along with my dad and his 8 wives I dreaded dad yelling out those accursed words: Movie Night! he would yell and that would be the cue for whoever was closest to me to secure me against the nearest tree so that they could screen some horseshit about Joseph Smith on my huge forehead. That’s how I got to be such a squinty little bitch!
Thanks E-Harmony Giant Forehead Division!
Luckily I found out about E-Harmony’s Giant Forehead section so I could finally meet another giant foreheaded idiot and start pumping out giant foreheaded idiot kids! I’d love to stay and chat some more but this huge forehead isn’t going to jizz all over itself! Byyyyyeeeeeeeee!
*Names changed to protect giant foreheaded squinty eyed little cunts
Now listen here you liberal butt heads! I love me some ‘Murica! The land where a fat, stupid, hairy loser with DD cup man tits has opportunity. Hopefully the opportunity to get some hot lady boy action goin on! er… never mind! C’mon ladies, I ain’t squeezin these hairy fun bags together for nuthin! You know yer just achin to get these $6 mom jeans off me and get all up in my whopping one inch fun palace! Woooo!
Look, writin aint my favoritest thing but it seems I got some time on my hands seein as I been locked up in a jail cell that the commie police threw me in. I thought this was ‘Murica! Apparently it’s now ‘illegal’ to kidnap the next door neighbor’s 8 year old kid and play oiled up naked twister with him in my basement dungeon. Thanks Obama!
Looks like in the future I’ll have to keep my ‘fun’ to the Candy Van he he. Although those commie bastard POlice did seem pretty interested in it when they hauled me away. Using their big book learnin words like ‘DMA testing’ whatever the hell that is, and ‘get the camaver dogs’. I aint never heard of no ‘camaver dogs’. Say, do they like peanut butter?!
I just met with the free lawyer. He was wearing last years mom jeans! What a loser! Anyway he said he might be able to get me off so I took out my tiny, mangled penis and he freaked and ran out screaming. He came back 10 minutes later saying something about the nightmares and never being the same. Anyway he said cus I’m ‘half fucktarded’ they might send me to a hospital instead of jail! I sure hope he’s right because I’ve been hoping they can chop off my head and sew it to my hip so I can blow myself all day! I even made a picture for the surgeons to help them!
I showed it to my lawyer and he said that it was pathetically exaggerated, and that they would actually have to sew my head directly to my crotch face first or my dick would never reach! Oh well, it looks like the men are here to take me away, I sure hope they have camaver dogs and peanut butter!
Ston Jone* – Fat Hairy Jackwagon
Sep 24th, 2014
W. Hughes, New England Dipshit Weekly
This week’s New England Dipshit is this hairy fuckbag here, Mr. Ston Jone* and boy does he look just as stupid from the back as the god damned front. I have no earthly idea why he opened the door for our interview shirtless. I also have no idea why he would ever be shirtless except to scare away children, which from the look of the blood stained clown suit crumpled in the corner, would seem counterproductive to his motives. Clearly alarmed, I inquired about the clown suit. “Ah shit! I forgot to put that back in the van!” he said thumbing in the direction of a windowless van in the driveway, red but for the hastily spray painted words on the side which read FREE CANDY!
TJ Maxx Has The Best Mom Jeans
“Are you a candy salesman?” I asked, praying for an affirmative answer. “What? Oh sure. Salesman. Right!” He punctuated the answer with air quotes and a half retarded wink that made my skin crawl. “Well what do you do?” I inquired. He continued, “Well, I’m incredibly stupid so I mostly live off checks from da government and selling my well worn shit pussy to sweaty hobos!” He pointed to his fat ass through his $14 TJ Maxx mom jeans, “even though I’m fat, hairy and disgusting there’s guys that like my drooping DD man tits covered in pubes! Craigslist is a wonderful thing! I love da interwebs!”
Apparently reflecting on sweaty hobo penises or little boys, he closed his eyes and started rubbing himself through the cheap high waisted denim. Horrified and nauseous, I made an excuse about needing another tape from the car despite having a digital recorder. I’d almost made it to the door when I heard him yell, “Oh, Timmy! Yesssssssss!!” [Sorry hobos, score one little boys] I ran for my car, stopping only to projectile vomit.
Dear New England Dipshit weekly, please accept this article as my resignation letter. #thingsucantunsee
*Names have been changed to protect the fat, stupid, inbred and fucktarded.
Disgusting Pig, Michelle Lopez
Dr. James P. Mcgillicuddy, Plastic Surgeon
Seriously bitch, get some surgery! Where to fucking start… that’s coincidentally exactly what I, your plastic surgeon, said when I first looked at your stupid moon face. What’s with your gums you horse mouthed nag? Every time I look at you I start glancing around for sugar cubes or an apple to jam in your gob. Well, it looks like we’re also going to need a chin implant the size of a rat trap. I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that to make your giant fivehead look half normal we will have to cut a poncho-esque swath of skin from the middle of it and pull the pieces together like a suitcase that won’t quite close. The good news is that we will have enough skin leftover to tan and make you a nice jacket and handbag. Now get that mask over your face you fugly hog!
William ‘BoBo’ Stiklystapers
*BONG!* Whooooaaaa there missy! Holy shit! Stop hittin’ yerself in the face with that there asphalt covered shovel! My lord, yer face is already a gosh darn bowl of dog vomit without you helpin’ out none! Why look at that there forehead on ye! Stay right there, I’m gonna go get Roscoe and Jeb and we’s gonna show a drive in movie on that bad boy! Hoooooweee! Ya know what, ferget it, the glare off ur retard gums would ruin it for everyone anyhows! *BONG!* I said quit that shovel face poundin ya crazy sow! Is that why ye gots no chin no more? Hey yew kinda look like ma sister! she ain’t no looker neither but I always had the hots for her. C’mere yooooouuuuu!! *BONG!* Holy shit! Yer dentin ma shovel!!